Chapter 8: Discovering Our Different Emotional Needs
This is going to hurt.
She= Caring He= Trust
The trust is true. The thing that hurt me more than anything in that relationship was the lack of trust.
She= Understanding He= Respect
You never respected me because I never understood you. It’s kinda sad that I hurt myself like that, but what’s even worse is that I hurt you in the process.
I wonder how much of this you’ve learned and are applying, and how much of this you still don’t know and will let tear your new relationship apart…
Here’s the most powerful thing I learned in Chapter 8:
Just as men need to learn the art of listening to fulfill a woman’s primary love needs, women need to learn the art of empowerment.
Now as unfair as it might sound, especially since I sucked so much at listening, you sucked TERRIBLY at empowering. I don’t recall ever being empowered in the moments that I really needed it. (To be honest, you could probably say the same thing about me.) You were never shy with compliments, thanks, and praise when you thought I deserved it, but every time I was really hurting or down, you were just silent… No comforting looks, no touch, no words, no nothing. Well you did pray for me a couple of times, and I appreciated that a lot actually; I just wish that you didn’t sound like you were annoyed with me, or like I was an inconvenient burden when you did. Praise God for perspective though, because even as I write this, I realize that there’s a chance as big as Texas that I did the same to you. I’m sorry if this sounds like I’m trying to make everything your fault, it isn’t. We both screwed up, I suppose that this is my way of talking it out.
(Sorry people reading, I guess that this is becoming a letter more than anything.)
Chapter 10- How to Avoid Arguments
[I know I need this one!]
One of the things this chapter covers is 8 of the reasons women argue. I plead guilty to all of the following:
1) I don’t like it when he minimizes the importance of my feelings and requests, I feel dismissed and unimportant.
3) I don’t like it when he blames me for being upset. I feel like I have to be perfect to be loved. I am not perfect.
4) I don’t like it when he
raises his voice or starts making lists of reasons why he is right. It makes me feel like I am wrong and he doesn’t care about my point of view. [SUPER GUILTY]
7) I don’t like it when he explains why I should not be hurt, worried, angry, or anything else. I feel invalidated and unsupported. [SUPER GUILTY Again!]
Any other guys wrestle with any of these?
Another subtitle in this chapter was: “How Men Unknowingly Start Arguments”
The most common way men start arguments is by invalidating a woman’s feelings or point of view. Men don’t realize how much they invalidate.
For example, a man might make light of a woman’s negative feelings. He might say “Ah, don’t worry about it.” To another man this phrase would seem friendly. But to a female intimate partner it is insensitive and hurts.
In another example, a man might try to resolve a woman’s upset by saying “It’s not such a big deal.” Then he offers some practical solution to the problem, expecting her to be relieved and happy. He doesn’t understand that she feels invalidated and unsupported. She cannot appreciate his solution until he validates her ned to be upset.
A very common example is when a man has done something to upset a woman. His instinct is to make her feel better by explaining why she shouldn’t be upset. He confidently explains that he has a perfectly good, logical, and rational reason for what he did. He has no idea that this attitude makes her feel as though she has no right to be upset. When he explains himself, the only message she may hear is that he doesn’t care about her feelings.
Guilty as hell.