Absolutely Clueless

Do you know that every time I see you it’s like a knife twisting through my insides?

And every time I’m able to pull it out, it’s like my very life leaking out of me

Accelerating my heartbeat, sending blood careening from my body even more quickly

The force of each labored heartbeat making it harder and harder to breathe

Every exhalation laced with hate:

I can’t recall if I’ve ever hated anyone before

But there’s no mistaking the poison that fills my belly eating at me even after I’ve offered a reprieve

Maybe I’ve never actually forgiven anyone before, because even though I’ve said the words and meant it

It’s still a screaming child clinging to me and each second is ever deafening

Though I can still see the light, the darkness gently closes over me

Tempting me to let go of any bit of peace I still know

Scriptures tell me to think on things that are noble, lovely, truthful, and praiseworthy

But every time I do, I see images of you tearing them all apart

Everything I knew of you died that night

And what stepped from the shed snake-skin was wretched and rotten

You didn’t hurt me as much as you exposed your ugly

Nobody is fooled.

I just wonder why everyone comes to talk to me instead of trying to save you from your stupidity

I’m tired of defending you from their painful truth when in truth all you offer me is pain

My arms outstretched between you and the crowd seeking your life while your outstretched arm plunges a knife into my backside

Does this look like it’s a fair fight?!

Sometimes I want to turn around and offer the same name-calling and slandering that they’re handing me to you

Instead of letting it damage my hands when I’m trying so hard to keep them clean

But I can’t.

I still love you.

They say I’m a damned fool to, and maybe that’s true

But what else can I do?

I’m absolutely clueless.

What do you do when you love someone you can’t trust?

When wisdom simultaneously says

“Pour out your heart” and

“Walk away”

But either option would cause way too much pain

Do I pray to see justice served or for mercy you don’t deserve?

Should I keep silent and observe your coming crash, or speak up and risk attracting your wrath?

It’s a hard spot to be,

But I’m in a better one than you seem to be:

Running blindly and still absolutely clueless.

6 responses to “Absolutely Clueless

  1. Pingback: The Celebrate Poet of Summer in 2011 Award Nominations | Promising Poets' Poetry Cafe

  2. As I read this I thought not so much clueless as more like a caged animal who bites the hand of a rescuer. In the animals mind the rescuer is on the side of the captors. In this case the animal trusts noone where the rescuer deserves the same compassion that it gives. sad really

  3. As I read this post I thought not so much clueless but more like a caged animal that only wants to run free as it was intended and how the caged animal often times will bite the hand of a rescuer.

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