Do you know that every time I see you it’s like a knife twisting through my insides?
And every time I’m able to pull it out, it’s like my very life leaking out of me
Accelerating my heartbeat, sending blood careening from my body even more quickly
The force of each labored heartbeat making it harder and harder to breathe
Every exhalation laced with hate:
I can’t recall if I’ve ever hated anyone before
But there’s no mistaking the poison that fills my belly eating at me even after I’ve offered a reprieve
Maybe I’ve never actually forgiven anyone before, because even though I’ve said the words and meant it
It’s still a screaming child clinging to me and each second is ever deafening
Though I can still see the light, the darkness gently closes over me
Tempting me to let go of any bit of peace I still know
Scriptures tell me to think on things that are noble, lovely, truthful, and praiseworthy
But every time I do, I see images of you tearing them all apart
Everything I knew of you died that night
And what stepped from the shed snake-skin was wretched and rotten
You didn’t hurt me as much as you exposed your ugly
Nobody is fooled.
I just wonder why everyone comes to talk to me instead of trying to save you from your stupidity
I’m tired of defending you from their painful truth when in truth all you offer me is pain
My arms outstretched between you and the crowd seeking your life while your outstretched arm plunges a knife into my backside
Does this look like it’s a fair fight?!
Sometimes I want to turn around and offer the same name-calling and slandering that they’re handing me to you
Instead of letting it damage my hands when I’m trying so hard to keep them clean
But I can’t.
I still love you.
They say I’m a damned fool to, and maybe that’s true
But what else can I do?
I’m absolutely clueless.
What do you do when you love someone you can’t trust?
When wisdom simultaneously says
“Pour out your heart” and
But either option would cause way too much pain
Do I pray to see justice served or for mercy you don’t deserve?
Should I keep silent and observe your coming crash, or speak up and risk attracting your wrath?
It’s a hard spot to be,
But I’m in a better one than you seem to be:
Running blindly and still absolutely clueless.