Before you even read this post, you absolutely have to follow this link and listen to this poem! [WARNING: Some strong language]
That’s all I hear in my head this week, even before being re-introduced to this piece.
Because I didn’t say anything, I broke my covenant and spent a considerable amount of time watching pornography one night earlier this week. Now, I know that’s a dangerous thing to have floating around the internet, and I understand that, but I have to exercise my ability to be genuine with all of you because we can only know freedom when we’re not afraid to SAY SOMETHING. And so, at this point all of my brothers in our house know, my little brother knows, my parents are going to find out this week, my accountability partners know, my church leadership will be hearing about it tomorrow, and I’ll be telling the people in my small groups on Monday and Tuesday.
It’s been an on and off struggle since middle school, and there have been several times where I thought it was over with. It becomes a non-issue for months or even years at a time and then slips back in real quietly. And when it does, I always find myself in this silent struggle with it, feeling somewhat embarrassed to even bring it before people. People don’t want to hear about stuff like that, but I’m deciding that I need friends who no matter how much they might not want to deal with it are going to because I need them to. I need help. If there are any of them who refuse to, then that’s okay, I just know where they fit in my life.
As time progresses, I’m gonna detail the process they take me through to find some sort of restoration in all this. You see, I’m sick and tired of this fight. I honestly just want it over with, I want to plead with God to remove it, but Cam told me something somewhat disturbing this morning:
Sometimes God wants to humble us and use our weaknesses to remind us that we need Him and keep us on our knees.
Reminds me of 2 Corinthians (yet again):
To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. -2 Corinthians 12:7-10
I guess if that’s the case, I want to see it like Paul did and boast in my weaknesses and struggles, because they may very well never leave me. You can be as sure as hell that I’ll fight it for righteousness sake until I die though. Boasting is just another way to SAY SOMETHING. I need all of you reading to pray for me though. Thanks!
It’s like they say: You’re only as sick as your secrets. That’s why I’ve got to SAY SOMETHING.
I’m still trying to heal from this relationship thing as most of you probably know and I actually made a lot of progress on it this week. I’ve been asking myself a very serious question throughout this process: What do I really need to have the closure I desire? Maybe if I was another person, I could’ve seen this earlier, but I finally realize that I want her to see how much her actions have hurt me and to take the responsibility for what happened that she needs to, because I think she’s honestly oblivious to it. It’s another opportunity for me to step up and SAY SOMETHING. As God shed light on it this week, I took a 3 day fast where I only drank water as I labored to adequately lay all of my feelings down on paper both to see for myself, and present to her. When I completed it and looked back over it, I was so elated that I hopped in my car and went to grab a cheeseburger (and what a delicious cheeseburger it was)! Theres still hope for peace! The day is quickly coming when we’ll be able to sit down and talk about it. I ran the idea by her this week and she seems very open to it. Please pray for that conversation!
We’ve been having a little bit of trouble at Lakeside lately and while I won’t go into all the details,but it really seems like a communication problem to me. When something small happens and someone gets offended within the household, no one is willing to step up and SAY SOMETHING so dozens of small scars are adding up and quickly becoming painful for everyone involved. God is even specifically revealing my selfishness to me as I struggle with not standing up on behalf of my brothers and sisters who are wronged. My first instinct is to tell them to SAY SOMETHING because it’s their problem, but that’s not how community works:
Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.
Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary:
“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”
Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. -Romans 12:9-21
This is the Bible passage our house adopted as our banner and every once in a while we forget it. Every once in a while, I forget it, but God reminded me of it today. I haven’t been devoted to everyone else in this house, I’ve been devoted to getting back on my own feet. I haven’t honored others above myself, I’ve made myself and my own concerns most important. I’ve lacked zeal and displayed frequent exhaustion instead. I’ve failed at being joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer; instead being depressed, impatient, and only sporadically praying. I haven’t even had much of a heart to share my life with them, except grudgingly. It’s hard for me to rejoice with others because I’ve been so busy mourning for myself. As much as God is humbling me, I’m still arrogant and becoming more conceited. In short, I’m a mess. The struggle starts with SAYing SOMETHING, and I’ve been doing that successfully today. For the first time in a while, I see peace coming. Praise to God, I see peace coming. Keep praying for me, will you?