10 Confessions from the Last 2 Weeks

One of the things I appreciate most about Lake Elsinore is its honesty. Yesterday morning, I decided to walk to the lake in my white “I [heart] NY” shirt with black lettering and a red heart, blue basketball shorts, and grey slip-on Vans with calf length socks, well aware that I looked sort of silly, but only slightly caring. It seems to me that the gravest sin that one can commit in Lake Elsinore is pretending that they’ve got it all together. We all know that no one on the planet really does, but in many parts of our country, and in our culture as a whole, it is almost expected that you do everything in your power to appear that you do. Now there are good reasons for this, but to the extent that we’ve embraced it, it’s overrated…

Anyway, before I digress too much, this is the spirit in which I begin these confessions:

  1. The UNLEASHED poem is the only complete and quality piece of writing I’ve produced for about two weeks. (Hopefully this will be the second) Even though I’ve been writing nearly every day all of it has been either terribly incomplete or shoddy, I just can’t seem to focus my thinking long enough to get even a solid few lines out…
  2. I’ve been quite careless in the way I’ve treated women lately as a direct result of my failed relationship. Both by choosing my words to them carelessly and speaking to them recklessly, and neglecting the ones that actually care about me. I’m sorry if you’re one of those and I haven’t had the chance to apologize in person yet.
  3. It takes a community to raise a Christian. I’m seeing more and more day after day how absolutely imperative it is that we embrace each other. We are slowly starting to see the seeds we’ve been planting in a handful of lives start sprouting in them taking significant steps towards saving faith because of not only the impact of the individual people in our house, but through the network of Christians across our city at different places and times still working together. And not only there, but I’m seeing how important it is as we try to endure and live as Christians. If we cannot be constantly challenging each other with Christian thoughts, wrestling with biblical truths, holding each other to Godly lives, and generally pushing each other closer and closer to Christ, we will never have an inkling of the true depths of the rewards of the Christian life.
  4. I’m constantly being reminded of how important my friends are to me through everything from people being there for me at pivotal points of time, to reconnecting with people I’ve lost some contact with, to glossing over old yearbooks and letters and the onslaught of memories we’ve collected, to discovering new friends and finding deeper levels of friendship than I’ve previously experienced. In fact, I can’t believe how much I legitimately miss and have missed some of you.
  5. Some days I feel like every woman in the world wants me to jump in a ditch. Sometimes I feel like jumping in a ditch to get away from every woman in the world. Sometimes I feel like pushing every woman in the world into a ditch. Sorry, that just how I feel sometimes. It all comes and goes as it pleases and stays for as long as it wants, sometimes I can be in a great mood in the middle of an excellent conversation (WITH ANYONE!) and it just jumps me for 20 seconds and sometimes, I’m just stuck in one all day long. I’m sorry if my sudden mood swings have effected any of you negatively (I’m still discovering just how much it’s really been affecting other people).
  6. Reckless words pierce like a sword but the tongue of the wise brings healing -Proverbs 12:18 Again, last week my careless words hurt somebody and I didn’t originally even give it all a second thought. Yesterday, I spent my morning sharing words of encouragement with a grip of my Facebook friends and felt deep satisfaction in seeing how much it blessed some of them to read those words. Slowly but surely, I’m trying as hard as I can to learn.
  7. I picked up another favorite rapper recently, Mr. J. Medeiros. Here’s a sample of his music: Constance (Official Video) Love Is All This is not a Home
  8. Even when we can’t change a circumstance, we can always meet a need. Jenelle told me this couple weeks ago [She’s full of profundity, just look here] and it blew my mind! Have you ever seen those pictures or sculptures with Jesus on the Cross with the word “INRI” inscribed above his head? That word means “I thirst” in Latin. I was on of the last things Jesus said as he hung on the cross near death. Even though he was about to die and no one nearby could save him, the people around him weren’t completely powerless: He was thirsty, and they could get him a drink. Would it save his life? No. Would it alleviate any of his pain? Not necessarily. Would it empower the people who watched him perish? Yes. Would it be a powerful demonstration of love towards him? Yes. Maybe you and I can’t change the world, but we can always make a difference.
  9. I haven’t been Bible-saturated enough recently. Even though I’ve been reading everyday, I’m not studying enough, meditating enough, listening to it enough, and consequently sharing it or living it enough either. But yesterday morning, Randy and I listened to a couple John Piper sermon jams as we relaxed at home. Let me share just a couple: “You Will Suffer” “Sexual Sin” “The Supremacy of Christ” Hope this helps you to keep your mind on Him!
  10. I’m starting to have those moments where I can’t stand how I’m acting again. They’re these moments when I’m trying so hard to be witty and clever and likable that it actually makes me sick of myself even as people laugh and encourage me to continue. It makes me feel so cheap, like I’m exchanging the million-dollar musing I’m storing up for short witty comments that cause people to throw nickels at me as they walk by the cage I’ve so cleverly constructed for myself so that I can make a living for the moment. I hate how everyone belittles me for being so thoughtful all the time but as soon as I stop doing it, I hate who I am while everyone else loves me. It absolutely tears me up and I don’t even notice it until I stop to look at myself… I don’t know what to do about it yet though… I think the answer lies in balance, but it’s so difficultΒ  and I’d rather just lose myself in my thoughts anyway. I don’t know, I guess I just feel trapped you know?

Thanks for reading everyone! I appreciate all the comments I receive about my writing in person and on the internet. I’ll continue to pray for all of you and I hope you’ll be praying for me!

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