Desperate.

A really good friend of mine had his surprise bachelor party tonight and I’m actually really excited to see him get married. He’s a guy I haven’t actually liked for long, honestly. But the man he’s become in recent months and years is undeniable, and the friendship we’ve built over the course of a few months is significant. Tonight’s party was a special one; not only was there a number of cats our age that came, our pastor and 3 other married men were present. One married 3 years, then 8 years, 29, and finally 48 years. As you can imagine, there was a wealth of knowledge to be shared.

Long story short: It was.

It was a beautiful thing to listen to these men share what had been the most important things they’d learned from their marriage experience, but so much of it haunted me. I hate hearing about marriage right now. It doesn’t cut me so much anymore, but it still hurts pretty deeply. The more they shared their wisdom, the more I was aware of my deficiencies. All at once, I was overwhelmed by the weight of the words being spoken, ashamed of my inability to measure up, humbled by the men around me who were succeeding, embarrassed by the arrogance that had assumed I could do it, and deeply hurt by the knowledge that I have done everything in my power to please the woman I loved and failed. It hurts to realize that you’re just not good enough.

In fact, after tonight, I’m terrified of marriage. I don’t want to think about it or hear about it, much less pursue it. And honestly, I guess I’m not so scared of it. Truthfully, I’m scared of me. I’m really aware of how much of a screw up I am right now, and it hurts. I’m not trying to drag anyone else down into this hole with me. I fail someone every day of my life. I over commit myself to people, and then I don’t want to spend any time with any of them, I plan badly and work hard at failing, I offend people whether I’m silent or speaking, I ask for too little and I need too much, and generally, I’m an emotional mess, but I’m way too casual about it. I swear that I could watch the world go to hell for fear that my actions would somehow end up making matters worse while anger at the circumstance torches my eternal organs. I’m seriously screwed up.

But at the same time, I’ve never been more aware of my need for God. I need His grace, I need His wisdom, I need His strength, His mercy, His understanding, His guidance. I can’t even take care of my own body adequately!

I NEED Him SO badly I can’t even believe it sometimes!

And still, I never pray enough, I don’t know enough scripture, I don’t make enough time for Him, I consciously tell myself not to bother Him. I don’t love Him like I should AT ALL. And that angers me incessantly.

I’m so glad that I’m not famous. I can totally see why Amy Winehouse or Kurt Cobain, or Charlie Parker, Miles Davis, John Coltrane, or any of them could die from their own bad habits so easily. I don’t blame them at all, because there are so many times, I’m not too far from them, and I’m no one. Even as I drove home tonight, I imagined for a second how it might be to drive my brother’s car into the wall beside me. There are moments when I think I could use the escape! That’s when I realized that even in keeping us from prosperity, fame, and riches, God does many of us incalculable favors. If I were where some of these stars are I’d probably be in even worse shape than them.

But when it gets down to it, I guess I found the truth… is that I really just need You.

 

As the deer longs for streams of water, so I long for you, O God.

 I thirst for God, the living God.

When can I go and stand before him?

 Day and night I have only tears for food,

while my enemies continually taunt me, saying,

“Where is this God of yours?”

 My heart is breaking as I remember how it used to be:

I walked among the crowds of worshipers, leading a great procession to the house of God, singing for joy and giving thanks amid the sound of a great celebration!

 Why am I discouraged?

Why is my heart so sad?

I will put my hope in God!

I will praise him again—

my Savior and my God!

Now I am deeply discouraged, but I will remember you—

even from distant Mount Hermon, the source of the Jordan,

from the land of Mount Mizar.

 I hear the tumult of the raging seas as your waves and surging tides sweep over me.

 But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life.

 “O God my rock,” I cry, “Why have you forgotten me?”

“Why must I wander around in grief, oppressed by my enemies?”

 Their taunts break my bones.

They scoff, “Where is this God of yours?”

 Why am I discouraged?

Why is my heart so sad?

I will put my hope in God!

I will praise him again—

my Savior and my God!

-Psalm 42

2 responses to “Desperate.

  1. Ooh angel. This one hurts! I am so glad I am reading this in the past and not the present. I hope thoughts like these don’t cloud your mind too often anymore love. Well I would hope they don’t exist within your brilliant brain at all, but I know they still do, because mine do. I understand too well and too many times. But we are all broken. There’s not a one of us that gets by unscathed; those wise men don’t have it all figured out themselves, and not a one of them is a perfect husband I can guarantee. So don’t get too down on yourself or those hands of yours with that, ‘not enough’ business. God knows you. I know you too, and I love and appreciate that which I know, more than you can know. God does not make mistakes; you are a miracle and He has a plan for you.

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