Before you read this post, play this video, I listened to it on repeat the entire time I was typing this and it echoes my heartbeat and a lot of my sentiments. It might even be a good idea to listen to it as you read, whatever you’re comfortable with. S.O. – “So It Begins”
Have you ever had those days or moments where you just long for something? Where it feels like something in you is crying out for something beyond you, outside of you? Something near, something distant, something familiar, something somehow foreign? This is where English fails… I couldn’t say enough to sum up this feeling. It’s somewhat depressing, empty, naked, and vulnerable, but at the same time it’s hopeful, inspiring, promising, sobering, beautiful! It’s all at once great and tumultuous, but more than anything, it is driving. There’s so much that I desire when I’m really honest with myself:
When I read Stephanie Augustine’s blog, I deeply ache to aspire to true humility and vulnerability. There are some things that can only be said and shown when we reach the deep realization that we are inadequate, that we are hopelessly in need of Jesus, and that all we know how to do is toss ourselves upon Him. In only a few days of knowing of she exists, her transparency moves me and the profundity and poignancy she speaks with. All at once inspiration both fills me and empties me of any delusion that I have “made it.” I have so far to go that it’s almost depressing, almost hopeless, but I have something to aspire to! I’m so thankful!
Every time I have an opportunity to spend time with Shae’Von Adams or her overflow, I see clearly what a blessing it is to love people well. I don’t know a single person with a heart muscle as strong as hers. She simply cannot help but to pour herself into the lives of everyone around her even when her heart is destined to be broken again and again (check out this blog from her recent South Korea trip), I admire that fearlessness because I lack so much of it. It is beyond obvious from her words and photos how rewarding even all of the pain has been for her. I want to love people like she does and stop being afraid to pour myself out, I want to take chances and get hurt, I want to know the abundant life she has found more deeply. I’m starting to learn that there’s no abundant joy without doing that, less “blessed assurance”, no deep satisfaction. God give me the courage to lay my life down the same way I challenged my high school kids to do this morning.
There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. John 15:13
Thank you both, ladies, I’m deeply indebted to both of you.
Those things are just the beginning though. I long to live deeply. In addition to honesty, transparency, and love, I want to learn how to be legitimately thankful, I want to stop overlooking all the beautiful things God is doing in me, for me, and around me. I long to grow wise, I want to step beyond the foolish youthful mistakes I find myself so prone to. I want to have an unwavering, unshakable, circumstance-conquering confidence in God’s providence and promises. I want to know Him deeply! I want to know what it means to spend every moment in His presence, I want to feel and not simply know every moment that He is madly in love with me and making everything work for my joy. I want Him to quiet my fears, fill my inadequacies, and fortify my weaknesses and insecurities. I want to know exactly what it means to be made whole. I want my friends to see those things in my life, I want them to be blown away by what God is doing in me, I want them to really listen when we talk about Christ, I want them to love Him like I do, I want them to love Him better than me. I want to see the world change for the better as it rotates, I want so badly to know perfection! I want to write passionate and powerful and honest poetry, perform with so much emotion that I move myself as I speak, I want each example and image to strike precisely, and I want to see people changed by what they hear.
I could go on and on for days as you can see… I’m very discontent with my life right now, I just want more, I want better, I want deeper, I want stronger. But, as I look forward, I’m scared. All those things have terribly high prices to pay for them, living a life like that isn’t easy, it’s terribly difficult, in a lot of ways, it would be easier not to. I know though, even though I haven’t fully tasted it yet, that it will be beyond worth it! That the lump sum of all the tears, regrets, mistakes, heartbreak, all of it, will not even compare with the reward that comes with it! I swear that I’m not gonna die without having done everything in my power to find some sort of peace for this yearning I’ve been both blessed and cursed with. Well, honestly, it’s not a curse:
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied. Matthew 5:6
I believe each and every one of those longings will be fulfilled. Maybe not in my lifetime, but when I come face to face with Christ and I’m made perfect, all of that will have been accomplished. I know, I know, I know. I’m gonna push as hard as I can until then because I believe Him, I pray that something I’ve shared here encourages you to do the same. God be with you all.
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. Philippians 1:6