In the last few weeks, I’ve seen 3 old friends come to Christ, several kids in our ministry get saved, had 4 opportunities outside of usual circumstances to perform poetry, I’ve gotten my car fixed, a new phone, new clothes, and I’ve been getting compliments for every reason I can think of, but as I sit here typing this on a late Sunday night with Citizen Aim playing, I’m seeing that the misery still doesn’t leave me.
Just minutes ago, our home was filled with people. People whom I love, people whom I’ve known for years, and people I was just really meeting. People I would die for, and people whom I’d trust WITH my life (they’re not always the same). We had a great time in worship, telling jokes, sharing our struggles, praying, feasting, and losing ourselves in the rain and the joy of the evening, and even then something was trying to push me away from them.
Someone left me a really kind message in my Facebook inbox today and it sobered me. Somehow, seeing that I make a difference in people’s lives forces me to pause. It gives me joy, a kind of joy that makes me ponder the sheer magnitude of the fact God uses someone as silly as me to touch people. Then I remember my silliness; my obsession with myself (which writing this isn’t actually helping), my laziness (I’m supposed to be washing dishes right now), this inexplicable loneliness that has a lot more to do with what’s going on in me rather than around me, and the constant driving fear inside that says that my life doesn’t matter.
It’s funny how deep joy and depression can mingle when the proof that I’m succeeding reminds me that I’m still feeble. Call it a blessing or a curse, but it’s all I have for now, so I’m gonna make it work.
Haha, without even trying I’ve written poetry into a blog and I’m already trying to decide what kind of poem I could write around that phrase.
Joy and pain
Genius and insane
Love and hate
They all relate.
For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together with labor pains until now. And not only that, but we ourselves who have the Spirit as the firstfruits-we also groan within ourselves, eagerly waiting for adoption, the redemption of our bodies. Now in this hope we were saved[…] We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose.
(Romans 8:22-24, 28 HCSB)
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9, 10 ESV)