I’m not, but I AM.

I hate my mistakes

They make me remember that I’m not all that I claim to be

Dangling a few feet in front of me saying each of the things I’ve always been afraid of hearing

And its frustrating because they’re true

Self-centered, insecure, arrogant, lazy, klutz!

Just last week, I knocked over a full mop bucket at my job, and if you could hear all the words that I said to myself in my head, you would’ve been shocked

I’ve gotta be honest:

They were the type of insults that cause successful people to spend the best nights of their lives sobbing and considering suicide.

You idiot! You still don’t get it, you’re going to live your whole life like this and die just as stupid, so get used to it.

Why would I do that to myself?

Because it’s all true.

If only you knew…

I’ve missed everything I’ve aimed to hit.

I commit myself to memorizing all the poems I like except for the ones I write, and somehow I’m still bold enough to call myself a poet.

And I like to think that I’d do whatever I can to make sure my future wife and kids have everything they need, but I’ve been too lazy to finish my degree like it won’t substantially help me.

And I say I love Christ, but He act like He won’t mind if I skip our 5 am personal time to sleep.

He doesn’t really want me up THAT early, right?

Heard that even Jesus had to suffer through excruciating pain

But it doesn’t change that I’m not gonna come from under the covers

And in other news, despite my self-proclaimed “high standards of beauty,” I watched pornography.

… And it still bothers me because when it comes down to it, I’ve been lying to myself and really, that’s the type of man I am.

I didn’t just slip.

And I didn’t trip, stumble, act out of character, or fall, unless you mean that I stepped on stage without costume and forgot my parts,

And so I didn’t succeed in keeping up my facade, then yes, maybe so.

I saw my own reflection and I don’t deserve to be called a poet or man of God,

I know….

But no.

I still am.

I mean, I am who I am, but that’s not I AM though.

I have been crucified with Christ, so I’m no longer who I am, because now I AM lives inside

So I am a poet.

Sometimes, grace is supplied by my poems being stored on my iPhone. This little guy actually helps me get them memorized!

And I am a man, even if I’m not the best.

I can rest in the fact that I’ll never be tested beyond my ability, so when I finally get that family, I’ll be ready!

And if it never comes, then His will is better done. I trust Him.

And I am a man of God, not because I love Him so well, but because He somehow felt the need to love me.

But I still want to do better than I have, become a veteran and leave a path worth following, so others can see how awesome He’s been

It’s because of all that and more, that I don’t hate my mistakes so much anymore. To tell the truth dude, they just don’t define me like they used to.

And I hope that one day, you can say the same because He’s only strong when we admit we’re weak. That’s where grace reaches its peak.

 

For by grace you are saved through faith, and this is not from yourselves; it is God’s gift— not from works, so that no one can boast. – Ephesians 2:8-9

2 responses to “I’m not, but I AM.

  1. I think you’re being way too hard on yourself. Truth to be told, everybody hates the mistakes they made because they can see how it can be prevented. But this is what life is about, there is a facade that we all share but right now you’re like a piece of wood and God will sculpt you by chipping away the excess characteristics to make you into the man that you want to be. Don’t be distraught by all the woes that you put on yourself, take each day in stride. I believe that everything has their own time, everything has a beginning and an ending. For now all we must be is patient and diligent and be able to recognize when the time comes to walk away from it.

    • You’re so right! I’ve been learning that. I wrote this poem to relate to people who feel that way, but there is definitely some growth shown by the end of it, a reflection of where I am now.

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