I really don’t care about people as much as I say I do. Now, don’t get me wrong, I want to, but I don’t.

I put off answering text messages and calls for months sometimes, I can sit in the same room as another person and easily go without talking to them. I’m consistently more interested in reading, writing, and listening to music than I am in carrying on a conversation, and I even stay home from social events because I’d honestly rather be by myself.

I guess I’m just being lazy sometimes though… At least, I think that’s why I put everything off until the last-minute. I wait until the last-minute to get out of bed on most mornings now, even when I’m already awake, and I’m consistently 3 or 4 minutes late to places because I’m in no hurry to leave. I hardly earned A’s or even B’s in school, because I just didn’t care to. That’s the same reason I still haven’t finished college too, I’m just haven’t been all that concerned about it. My bills usually get paid right behind schedule if they aren’t automatically taken straight out of my account and sometimes I don’t eat all day just because I don’t feel like it. I even slack off when it comes to things like writing this blog. (it’s 6:53 Wednesday morning and I actually wanted to post it at 7…)

But sometimes its because I’m afraid. I’ve missed a full week of blogging even though I’ve written 4 poems and a handful of possible posts, it’s just that I didn’t think the end product was good enough. I’m already bothered that this post rhymes so much when it isn’t a poem, and that its form is way too repetitive and unimaginative, and that the examples lack power because they aren’t illustrated well. I keep asking myself if I sound too whiny, or if anyone wants to sit there and actually read this, or if I need to stick to something I’m good at writing about. (What am I good at writing about anyway?) Maybe I should make this a poem, people seem to like those… Maybe. But maybe they get tired of poems and want to read something straightforward for once.

Wait, why am I writing this again? Oh yeah, I wanted to show that I’m not perfect… That makes this whole thing sound manufactured though, doesn’t it? I just don’t want to seem like I’m better than I really am, because apparently a lot of people think that I can’t understand them because my life is so together (LOL! That doesn’t even sound right). I’m a mess too and this is only at the surface of the issue. I’m just not afraid to admit it, this is exactly why I need Jesus. Not only does he forgive me, he exposes the real issues, heals the hurt behind them and slowly works them out. There was a time when only darkness and death flowed from my heart, and even though some of it looked good, it was poison. But now light and life do (though darkness does still try to hang around). I’ll never be perfect here on Earth, but day by day he’s changing me from degree of glory to the next. I guess you can say that even though I’m not flawless, as time goes on I’m flawed less and less.

4 responses to “Flawed(less)

  1. To me this all just sounds like apathy. I feel like it is not just to show that you aren’t perfect, because well, anyone could figure that out about you or anyone else on this planet. What is it exactly you are waiting for? It feels like you’re just in this day to day haze and you’ve become comfortable with life for what it is realistically on the surface. Not that there’s anything wrong with acceptance, I could be way off you know? But that’s just what I’m picking up.

    • That’s an interesting opinion! I don’t feel that my problem is that I’m waiting for something, I feel like as I keep striving, I’m falling short. It’s to show that sometimes I feel helpless and frustrated. That at times, I can’t see if my stubbornness is a going to bring me to a breakthrough or if it’s simply an enabler. I don’t know what to accept and reject yet, maybe that’s part of the mess. I don’t want to be what everyone says is right, I want to be what I know is right, and that’s my obstacle. I think… lol.

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