Everybody has had a time where they feel as if God isn’t there, or that He isn’t real. A time where our prayers seem to dissipate before they can reach the roof, or where He just doesn’t seem to be paying us any attention, or where it feels like our world is falling apart and He is nowhere to be found. Everyone feels that at some point, right? Why haven’t I then?
I’ve been reading a book on prayer by Richard Foster and though he’s a brilliant and intimate author, he always makes me feel as if I’m… I don’t know… weird. Or more precisely like I’m missing something. This time, it’s in a subject he calls the “prayer of the forsaken” where the Christian feels abandoned by God.
As he steered us through the chapter, I feel as if each assumption he makes proves untrue for me. I’ve never felt abandoned even during the most difficult stretches of my life. But then again, I don’t often get the sense that God is even there. I don’t feel like He receives my prayers, I know He does, but I honestly wouldn’t feel the difference if He didn’t or did. I do sometimes wonder if prayer is simply self- manipulation though, and I wonder if I am simply deceiving myself into believing that the order of the universe and the chain of events I’ve witnessed throughout my lifetime is somehow an unmistakable mark of divinity. Maybe that’s what he was talking about. Maybe not.
What’s my point in all of this?
I don’t know.
No really, I don’t know and I just have to be okay with that.