#69 Revenge.

This study I’m doing, Breaking Free, is continuing to show me a lot about myself. In fact, it made me very angry this last week. I spent a couple hours writing a blog about what I’d learned and this silly app deleted it. *sigh* I would’ve left it alone, but sitting through the actual class brought it all back up and had me cooking again, so I started writing again, this time, I got a poem out of it. It’ll take a few months for it to work itself completely out, but I thought I’d at least share the first half of what I’ve written so far. Right now, it’s name is Revenge. It’s pretty damn personal, so read at your own risk.

It wasn’t all my dad’s doing,
but by the time I got to kindergarten, I had a working theology of women.
I knew that girls were princesses
Whom it was my job to honor
whether or not they rocked tiaras
Just like my father:
Married to my mom over 35 years
Affectionate all the time
Completely committed through fights and hard talks,
I’ve always wanted that.

—But this is all some years after a daughter out of wedlock.

We didn’t talk about it until I was nearly 25.

“I know I’m not an angel, you can see I had your sister. I don’t want you to do what I did.”

What did you do?

I don’t know why, but I was too scared to ask.
Still, it later came to light:

“Be careful not to give in to vulnerable women.”

My entire life rushed past me:
Nicole at 8 years old, Ashley, Jennifer, Caroline, Sharon, Michelle, Marcia, Jacquelynn,
I never should’ve been with you.
From first hug, to first kiss, to first love, to giving it up at 21,
That conversation could’ve saved me from a lot of mistakes, had it taken place years earlier,
But this ain’t about placing blame
Its about chasing change.

My sense of worth so connected to service
Stopped expecting anything in return for what I gave

But even God only gives what’s expected of Him sometimes.

So it’s safe to say I give women permission to make me a victim
They take without reciprocating, leave when they’ve had their fill

And I’d never stopped to think before I should demand more…
Servants simply take what they’re given.

“Be careful not to give in to vulnerable women.”
Manipulating men doesn’t faze them, because it’s revenge.

3 responses to “#69 Revenge.

  1. you’re a transparent soul
    you’ve seen the side of darkness that many shy away from
    you keep offering up your heart
    and hoping not to rescue but find a co-pilot instead
    Don’t fall for vulnerable women,
    lend an ear, give grace but
    wait for her
    who won’t take but will also give
    -praying for you friend

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