We finally talked freely and it seems some things never change:
As we sat in my car, I stretched over the center console to embrace her. We held each other more conscious than ever of the passing seconds. After a while, we freed ourselves, her face glowing in the low light. Sensing that everything was just as it had always been, I asked if a kiss would take us too far. We agreed it be our last one and indulged ourselves.
We kissed four more times that night. We slow danced in the street while she hummed some silly-sounding jazz song I probably should have recognized. I took her hands and we locked our gates together once more, traded raspberries and forehead kisses, licked each others’ faces, (don’t ask lol) told stupid jokes, and laughed, laughed, laughed at all that has happened.
She reminded me of how this all started with a conversation about my next birthday party (now tonight) almost a year ago, and then commented that it’s been a crazy summer. That’s no lie.
The entire evening wrapped itself around us wrapped in each other. And as I found it coming to a close, I told her, still resting in my arms, that no matter what happened, they would always be a home for her. She smiled broadly and as soon as had I said it, I saw the seasons changing and thought sadly that I have only been an extended summer home.
I’m just not the man she wants to build her life around. Nothing against me, nothing against her. At some point, wisdom must trump feeling if we are to live the lives we were meant to. I’m not angry with her in the slightest.
She’s free. I’m choosing to let go of her and be okay with that.
Not a second of these months was wasted, not a moment was anything less than vital for the both of us. No conversation pointless, no intimate moment, vain. This is not another weight, just fuel for the wait; God has done a good thing here and there is only better to come. Still, I’ll miss it.
Twenty-five is definitely going to be a good year.
“I guess tonight’s my last open door.” He says only half-jokingly.
“Open door for what?” She only wants to hear him say it aloud.
“I know we’re not going to have sex, but we both know how we feel right now. Nothing’s changed.”
That still isn’t an answer.
“Well, then do whatever you want to do.”
She knows he loves a challenge.
For a moment, it is as if silence has sucked all the air from the car and is leaving itself bloated in its place.
The door he’s opened wide stands right in front of him, no obstacles between the two of them. Still, he only stares blankly through it, unmistakeable thoughts crease his forehead.
He grins. His car door opens and he stamps a foot firmly on the street. The silence is lost in the vacuum and there is air between him and her once again.
He looks her in the face, she is smiling too. He is paused halfway between making either decision. She giggles at him.
He retorts at her and they both laugh at the fact that his words still come more swiftly than his actions.
Some things never change.
His left leg returns to the car and the door closes. As the overhead light turns off, her eyes still shine like waves at midday. He loves that girl.
Tomorrow morning, he’ll regret choosing purity.