9-12-13


We finally talked freely and it seems some things never change:

As we sat in my car, I stretched over the center console to embrace her. We held each other more conscious than ever of the passing seconds. After a while, we freed ourselves, her face glowing in the low light. Sensing that everything was just as it had always been, I asked if a kiss would take us too far. We agreed it be our last one and indulged ourselves.

We kissed four more times that night. We slow danced in the street while she hummed some silly-sounding jazz song I probably should have recognized. I took her hands and we locked our gates together once more, traded raspberries and forehead kisses, licked each others’ faces, (don’t ask lol) told stupid jokes, and laughed, laughed, laughed at all that has happened.

She reminded me of how this all started with a conversation about my next birthday party (now tonight) almost a year ago, and then commented that it’s been a crazy summer. That’s no lie.

The entire evening wrapped itself around us wrapped in each other. And as I found it coming to a close, I told her, still resting in my arms, that no matter what happened, they would always be a home for her. She smiled broadly and as soon as had I said it, I saw the seasons changing and thought sadly that I have only been an extended summer home.

I’m just not the man she wants to build her life around. Nothing against me, nothing against her. At some point, wisdom must trump feeling if we are to live the lives we were meant to. I’m not angry with her in the slightest.

She’s free. I’m choosing to let go of her and be okay with that.

Not a second of these months was wasted, not a moment was anything less than vital for the both of us. No conversation pointless, no intimate moment, vain. This is not another weight, just fuel for the wait; God has done a good thing here and there is only better to come. Still, I’ll miss it.

Twenty-five is definitely going to be a good year.

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Rage.


I was so angry last night. I was so angry that I just wanted to snap. I kept catching myself wanting to yell and I kept seeing myself throwing chairs through the sliding glass doors.

The rage was attacking me in flashes and before I could fight each one off more began blitzing. I felt like my insides would burst if I kept trying to hold it in, but I was so scared to let go. It wasn’t safe.

My organs seemed to be overheating and I swore something inside me was about to burst, but I wouldn’t let go, I couldn’t let go.

It’s never been safe to let go.

I started remembering all the times I’d let myself become angry, all the times people have told me that I scared them, all the times my mom told me it was inappropriate, I remember breaking Chris’ nose in elementary school for some reason I don’t even remember. I remember punching walls, bruising my knuckles, having to reseal and caulk the holes I made in my old bedroom.
You’re not safe.
You’re not safe.
You’re not safe.
You’re not safe.

My own voice in my head overwhelmed me.

You’re just not safe.

The last few times I heard it in the voices of my exes and it made me realize that they’re terrified of me. I’ve never raised at hand at any of them or made any threats, but I think they’ve each seen it in me and it’s driven them away.

At this point, I wanted to die. I couldn’t take it anymore, I felt like my internal organs were under so much stress they may explode, I hoped they would. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started yelling inside my head. I don’t know if I was yelling at God or myself, but someone had to know how angry I was. I screamed every negative thought that came to mind. Every thought, every feeling, I ran through everything I hate about my current situation and everything I hate about myself. I was honest about how angry I am with certain people and transparent about the fact that they’ve been treating me pretty badly. I said whatever came to mind without editing myself or forcing myself think rationally. (It seems that trying to tell the truth and being striving to be honest are two different things.)

Somehow peace came, quietly and reassuringly. I realized something, I’ve never really let myself be okay with how I feel when the feelings are ugly. I guess that’s why I’ve always been so intentional about letting people be exactly who they are when they’re with me. That’s why I try so hard to make myself a safe space for other people. I’ve not given myself any safe spaces, which has made me very unsafe.

I have to learn how to accept these parts of me or I’ll never get better. I deserve someone who accepts those parts of me, too. But, first things first, right?

The Vulnerable Journey


Some things that are really starting to change my heart from a video I watched this morning:

 

 

“That’s something people don’t think about often: For all eternity we are loved, and until all eternity, we will be loved.”

— Henri Nouwen

 

“My life and your life are a short opportunity to say to the God that loves you, “I love you, too.”

Life is an opportunity to say yes to God’s eternal love— and an opportunity you have every moment, every second; because sometimes you have something wonderful and you say, “Thank you, God, for your love.” And sometimes, you have something really painful and you have to say, “Thank you for drawing me closer to your heart, even though it is really painful.”

Life, in all its joys and all its sorrows, is a short time in which we can say to God, “Yes, we love you too,” in all our excitement and in all our depression, in our wholeness and in our brokenness, in our well-being and in our sickness. Every time, again, we have the chance to say, “Yes! Yes! Yes! I want to be your daughter! I want to be your son! Not only because You say it; I want to be it, too!””

— Henri Nouwen

 

“We need each other!! And we keep forgetting again and again and again and again and again that we are loved, and think,
“No, I’m no good.”
“No, I messed it all up!”
“No, I feel so guilty.”
“No, I feel so ashamed!”
“No, this cannot be good.”
“Look, I lost my dear mother.”
“I lost my job.”
“I lost my ability to walk.”
“I lost my eyesight.”
I’m gonna be angry. I’m gonna say, “No! No! No! No! No!”

And we need each other to say, “Please, keep believing— that all that you’re living can bring you to the heart of God.””

— Henri Nouwen

#62 Doesn’t Being Broken Bring Us Closer?


I figured out to change the clearance lights and turning signals on my car! And when I say “figured out” I mean “figured out”! My Owner’s Manual was no help and I couldn’t find any tips on the internet, so I just grabbed some screwdrivers and went at it myself!

I tried checking the outside and underside of my bumper, the inside o my hood, and then did them both again before I figured out what parts I had to unattach. It took a few minutes but I found everything! Before I knew it, I was discovering ways to other parts I hadn’t known before and genuinely having a good time disassembling my car in general! I learn so much about my car when I’m working on it! Maybe more than I’ve learned in 6 years of driving it.

I’ve always had a connection with my car and an affection for it. Over these years, we’ve been through a lot together (over 110,000 mile’s worth!) whether it’s road-tripping or commuting, hydroplaning or off-roading, whether I’m rushing to work or just sitting in my driver’s seat napping or just stealing some quiet time, I’ve become quite intimate with my car. The trick is, I’ve never felt so intimate as I have repairing it’s dented body, or changing its tires, trying to fix my radiator, changing headlights, and everything else I’ve done on it. Through all the experiences I’ve shared with it, the deepest and most fulfilling have been learning its system/ make-up/ inner-workings and learning how to solve any problems it has. Doesn’t it work the same way with people? You don’t really know a person until you’ve seen them at their worst, right? And it’s not until you’ve accepted them at their worst that you can help them be their best. And it’s not until you’ve helped a person be their best that you reach the richest levels of your relationship.

#45 nothing profound.


I’m going through some car issues again… life tries really hard to be depressing sometimes.

Nothing is ever quite as bad as it seems though.

Eboni keeps reminding me that there is always hope.

Frenchie has been making phone calls trying to work his connections and help me out.

My parents were angry, haha. But both have turned around and encouraged me in powerful ways.

David has been making sacrifices to give me rides.

That’s not to mention the texts, phone calls, notes, messages, etc., that I keep on getting from other friends, too.

I could go on and on and on, but the point is, I have people I can depend on.

It’s not something I take for granted at all.

#18 M.G. Perkins


What a terrifying, yet beautiful and necessary thing it is to have an older man look you in the face
expose your weakness
and nurture you to life.

If enough people say you’re wise, you really begin to believe it,
Forget that you’re only 20-something and still learning,
That you don’t have to be so serious,
That there’s no need pretending you’re holding everything together,
Or that anyone does.

“Man, please. His life is a train wreck just like yours.”

That losing things is okay, and that anything we give up will be restored ten-fold.
Sometimes,
It takes a man who lived through a divorce,
stage 4 cancer,
and losing a 6 figure salary saying

“I lost everything and it was the best time of my life.”

To make you understand that you can live past this moment.
The only thing between you and growth is knowing this:

There is beauty waiting to be born from your brokenness.

If you don’t eventually lose your
Job
Wealth
Status
Family
Friends
They will eventually lose you.
There’s only one thing we should completely put our hope in:

“I lost everything and it was the best time of my life. I was finally open to hearing God.”

I’ve got all I need.
I’ve just gotta keep listening.