This Is What Love Left Me.

On my way in from Perris this morning, I decided to drop by my parents’ house for a bit. When I came in, my dad was laying down on the couch watching television (my entrance must have woken him). This wasn’t unusual at all because for as long as I can remember, my dad has been notorious for falling asleep on the couch late at night while watching television (especially since retiring). I went upstairs into the game room and immediately saw my brother sprawled out on the floor sleeping as well, which is also normal.

I thought about it and chuckled for a moment when I realized that it kinda said something profound about the way everyone here is living; it seems like some sort of permanent vacation to me. You know what I mean, right? The only time in my life where sleep hasn’t had any sort of priority is when I don’t have to do anything that next day, like on vacation! I normally come to a point with whatever I’m doing where I decide that I need to go to bed. When I’m content to simply fall asleep where I’m at, it means that I’m too tired to care, which means that I’ve been up way too late, which means I’ve probably been wasting time! Granted, not everyone works the same way that I do, but when its regular practice not to use your own bed, something’s up. Now that’s fine since my dad’s retired (my brother should probably be exercising a little discipline but that talk is for him some other time.) But I remembered something odd then, my mom is home, and she’s in bed.

That’s weird because a lot of the times he sleeps on the couch, she’s working overnight, but it’s really not that weird, because he does it when she is home too except that she usually goads him to get off the couch and go to bed with her. Truthfully, that’s normal too, because even when she’s up until 7 in the morning, she finishes what she’s doing and gets to bed. This morning it freaked me out for a second. I guess it’s because I’m more conscious of divorce than I’ve ever been in my life. I’ve always had friends with divorced or single parents, but I’ve never become as involved in that part of their lives as I am now. I’m learning about all the damage done to children in divorces a little more firsthand and sadly enough, I’m watching most of my friends who get married quickly divorce.

I’ve never realized just how much of a blessing it is to have parents who are still together.

I’ve recounted how much I’ve learned about love from them fairly frequently recently and this morning I was afraid that everything I’ve learned from them was going to become worthless. After having my last two girlfriends leave me in pursuit of other guys, I’m realizing that I don’t know how to please a woman.

The first time it happens it could be anyone’s fault, but after the second time, you’ve gotta start looking at the greatest common denominator: You. Or should I say, Me? What bothers me most though, is that I’ve had such amazing examples of what love looks like in my life that I think I should be doing a little better than this. Somehow, something has gone horribly wrong in trying to imitate them all.

Watching my parents divorce would be life-shattering at this point; even harder than watching one or both of them die, because in my mind, everything I know about romance would fall apart. My perception of relationship and commitment is almost completely based on them, and I’m just now understanding that.

I believe that I’ve seen the beauty of covenantal biblical marriage in them, and if they fail, because of where I’m at now, I would quit on love, period. That’s it. Now, I admit that would show a gaping lack of faith in God and in the Bible, but honestly, that’s just where I’m at. For the first time in my life, I understand all those people who don’t believe in true love. I don’t agree, but it’s humbling to think of how close I really am to not believing…

By the way, I did ask my dad about everything this morning. He chuckled when he answered and all at once I was both comforted and sort of belittled, mostly comforted though. =)